I am a Mother and I am a Child
Originally written on: 6/6/2014, completed on 12/18/2014
“Tell me who doesn’t love what can never come back
You can never forget how it used to feel
The illusion is deep
It’s as deep as the night
I can tell by your tears, you remember it all” ~ The Cure, The Blood
In June 2013, I experienced a miscarriage. At first it was hard to acknowledge it because it happened early in the pregnancy and it was not physically dramatic as what I have heard from others. It was more emotional, mental and energetic. It was also physical of course, in the sense that the fetus left my body, but it wasn’t physically painful for me. It was painful in my emotions, my mind and my soul because I prepared and planned very thoroughly for it.
I focused my attention and spent a lot of time daydreaming of many of the aspects of it, such as the stages of the pregnancy, the fetus development, the baby’s birth, the child’s upbringing, my experience as a mother and our life as a family. Daydreaming this life was my number one priority. Besides daydreaming, I also collected tangible reminders of this great event and created an altar with all these mementos as a representation for the wishes and blessings for the baby. The illusion I formed in my mind was picture perfect and in detailed. I was preparing myself and the house for what I believed was a fantastic and joyful change of life. I felt it was possible, I felt it was right, I felt it was a blessing; I felt it was going to happen, but it did not, and I was very confused and disappointed by it when it did not happen. I felt unworthy, cheated, punished, unloved. It hurt me deeply and the worst part of it was that I felt all alone and unsure of how to handle the loss. My husband at the time, was unavailable as he was dealing with his own demons of depression and addiction for a year. It really seemed he was making progress and walking the path of recovery by the time we started planning a family, but he wasn’t. He actually disappear from home to go on a binge drinking without sharing his whereabouts, just a few weeks after the miscarriage. Even after he came back, he never told me the reason why, so I cannot speak of that or for him. What I do know is that during the miscarriage, he became completely unavailable emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Everything I thought I was building for a better life was crumbling just like that.
At that time my questions were: Was the whole pregnancy and family life a delusion instead of illusion? Is there a difference between the two of them? Was I focusing my attention and vibration towards a wholeheartedly desire or was I building an unrealistic expectation bound to fail?
I did not have clear answers back then. All I had was the feeling, and I felt like I could taste something I wanted so close but then it was taken away from me. I did not know why then, but now I know, it was for my highest good and I wrote about in my post The Moon and the Subconscious.
But before the reason was revealed to me, for a whole year I experienced emotional pain. I was experiencing a woman, alone in her apartment, without a husband, without a child, without a house, without a job, without what she wished for. I experienced the absence of a wish that was deep and lovely and feeling the absence hurt a lot. Then, one night, a Wise Woman told me, “Own your wound”. She said I do not have to suffer from it but acknowledging that it happened and that hurt makes my human experience real. This brought me some enlightenment, because, ever since the miscarriage I was working on “erasing the wound” in order to make the pain disappear. It never occurred to me to own the wound in order to heal it. She was right, the pain I felt from this experience does make me human. Up until the miscarriage I did not have a deep sense of loss that would help me identify with another human being. What I experienced from my great grandfather’s death was something I buried so deep, that I achieved shielding myself from feeling any kind of pain from his death and the ones that came afterwards. It was not until the miscarriage that I experienced a deep sense of loss and grief and it allowed me to also grieve the death of my great grandfather and my grandparents which I shielded myself from before.
The loss also allowed me to practice my Buddhism acknowledging that death is suffering, but also practice the path that leads you away from suffering and into liberation. Also, now I can talk to people and when they ask me, “Have you ever lost something you loved deeply?” I can say, “Yes, yes I have, I can relate to you” and from there, I can develop a sincere sense of compassion towards that person and share a human experience and the possibility of growing and healing from that level of pain.
I just wonder if experiencing that deep pain is truly necessary in order to relate to people? I had a dream one time that told me that Jesus, in all his holiness and spiritual development, had to experience the suffering of the pain of the flesh in order to completely understand the human experience. Is that far from true? I still do not know but I feel it merits discussion.
The same Wise Woman told me, “Every time we work on an ongoing hurt, we do it from a different level because we worked on it before”. She also said that it makes us gain different perspective and grow wiser and stronger. I guess we build emotional muscles.
I told this Wise Woman that I now understand that the event happened for my highest good, but even though I understood and accepted what happened I still felt pain from it. The revelation was that, Yes, I am at peace with the loss of the child, but I was not at peace with the loss of me as a “Mother”. She really hit the spot, she was right! I mourned the loss of the child but I did not mourned the loss of me as a mother. The mother in me was never born either…. Physically I never gave birth so in the world of form I was not a mother, but the mother was alive in me in vibration and actually even way before I even planned to have kids. One of the reasons I decided to have a child last year was because I felt confident enough to know I will be a good mother. This is because, for the past 5 years I have been studying and practicing Buddhism and other spiritual practices that expanded my view on life. I also started gardening and growing my own produce and medicinal herbs and also expanded my views of the world and sustainability . I definitely felt prepared to raise a good human for this world… and I still AM. Because once you have expanded you can never go back and no one can take that away from you either.
After coming back from a spiritual retreat I completed the realization of this whole ordeal. This is because, during the retreat I had an awakening of the heart. To me, this felt like giving birth and I experienced myself as a new born. No thoughts, No judgment, No attachments, No memories. I only felt love, curiosity, fascination and deep emotions of joy. I was seeing everything with new eyes and felt clearly the excitement in me. I returned to my innocence!
This experience lasted for months and it was troublesome because, even though I felt the purity and innocence of the child in me, I felt like people could misinterpret this pure, innocent and free love that was flowing through me. At times, I felt sad because the love I was pouring out was not being returned. I related more to 3 year olds than adults. I remembered how it felt to do something amazing and being ignored by adults. It really hurt and for the second time in the same lifetime, although this time I experienced it in a mindful way.
So, I went back to my spiritual practice and realized, I was then at the other end of the stick. I was a child but not a mother. Then I remembered that energetically I did become a mother and that expansion is still there. So, in essence, I gave birth to myself twice. Once as a mother and once as a child. Going back on everything that has happened these past 5 years made me realized that I have accumulated enough wisdom to be a mother and I have reclaimed a lot of innocence to be again a child, so I can be a mother to my inner child and a child to my inner mother. I now love this relationship between me and me. As a child, I can freely do the things that I love and the things that scare me with total security. As a mother, I can nurture, guide and provide comfort and love and joy to my inner child. Either way, I am in good company.
The universe is a tricky place. The world of form shows you only manifested things, but within the same universe, the world of the formless holds a lot more information that can affect the world of form even if it is not manifested, like in my case. I became a mother and I became a child but not in a tangible way. However, people can feel it and this is very important! Even though they do not see it, they feel the maturity of my nurturing side and the playfulness of my innocent side. It is utmost beneficial to learn how to feel emotions and energy to be in-tune with ourselves. If I did not work on the emotional and mental pain of the miscarriage, I would still be suffering without realizing what happened at a energetic level.
In the world of form, many people value things more than spirituality. Yes, now, I do not have a child, I do not have a husband, I do not have a house, I do not have a job, BUT, learning and practicing this spiritual work has made me expand unmeasurably! If you see it from the material side, it would seem like I lost a lot, BUT, the expansion that spiritual growth brings you is a TREASURE, that no one can take away from you… Not even death, because you take it with you as seeds of good karma for your next life. Things belong to time and space and therefore are impermanent. This spiritual expansion, is ETERNAL!
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti
Mariela Siwarqinti
Empath & Intuitive
973-330-6778
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